Not literally of course, but so much of your reaction and anger resonates with my own experiences. I wasn't the first to come forward in my case either, and I only came forward when I heard that a lawsuit that two other victims of his filed had stalled out.
When what he had done first became public via a local news article, pretty much everyone in my friend group from college changed their Facebook profile image to a picture of him in support of him. Meanwhile, I'd just realized what had happened to me because of what I'd read in that article...
Anyway. It's validating to hear your story and know I'm not the only one who's gone through this.
We’re so sorry for what experienced Emily. We’re honored that we’ve been able to give voice to some of the pain you’ve experienced and we hope that it prevents this from happening to someone else.
I learned a lot from this presentation. "Moral injury" described what many people in my parish experienced over the last few years. Some of it stems from personal experiences of abuse, and some from not being able to protect others from abuse.
A group at our church recently held a prayer vigil for those affected by domestic violence. It was attended by an elderly deacon. Afterward, I asked him whether clergy formation included any information about domestic violence that would make priests and deacons aware of the substantial percentage of every congregation that is affected.
He said that, to the best of his knowledge, the topic is not covered in the seminary, and that he knows it has not been addressed in diaconate formation or continuing education. If clergy knew more about the experiences of their congregants, they might think a little more before they got up in their bully pulpits. And maybe fewer people would quit or quiet-quit the church.
Sisters, thank you truly. Our exact experiences of abuse are different, but the symptoms and the reaction from fellow Catholics are exactly the same. It's so healing to hear someone else use the language I've needed to hear for over a decade.
The Church is the soil that fostered both my love and joy at discovering the true loving God, and yet remains fertile ground for the abuse that happened and continues to occur.
Everything you describe: All my safe places no longer feeling safe. Trying to force myself back into those places, motivated by a false sense that God could only be encountered there, and encouraged by others that this was the reality of the boundaries of God's love and mercy.
Trying to feel and express my grief and trauma, yet being met with silence, distrust, even belittling, aversion or chastisement.
ALL The trauma symptoms. Feeling weak. Feeling like a burden. All VERY appropriate responses to what occurred.
Thank you for helping one little soul feel less alone. <3
Thank you for this. I could only listen to the first 17 minutes and then had to stop. This line is one I can say also: "The safest place for me became unsafe." Not in relation to clergy abuse though (though a loved one of mine has experienced that).
There is something especially cruel when another type of abuse is then combined with spiritual abuse. Listening to those first 17 minutes and not being able to continue made me realize I'm being invited into more healing.
It takes courage to listen to this audio documentary, and it takes even greater courage and wisdom to listen to your own mind, body, and soul communicating to you what you need. We are edified by your choice to take care of yourself. We will be praying for this next moment in your healing journey. Just like grief, I, (Sr. Danielle Victoria) think healing is non-linear and runs in cycles, always flowing deeper as we gain more light and integration. Thank you so much for your generosity in sharing your experiences with us. It’s a tremendous gift to anyone who reads your words.
Myself and a number of victims were very seriously abused by franciscan friars of the renewal as well as by Jesuit priests. Our pain and wounds of abuse have been weaponised and used against us in the most disgusting, evil, sickening way by the one-sided, lying "orders", their brainwashed, blinded minions, the dioceses and authorities. The total coverup, further serious abuses, refusals for dialogue, mediation (or to allow or provide for any healing, justice, truth, reconciliation, counselling and support or resolution); and the absolute sheer hate, hostility, aggression, calumniation, exiling, banning, shunning, blaspheming and bad language, stonewalling, scapegoating, shaming, punishing persecution, attacks (including stalking, tracking and physical assault of victims due their reporting), wrongful and unlawful arresting, intimidation and threatening of innocent victims who dared report, as well as isolation and victim blaming against us is complete; but they cannot silence us forever. The more we spoke truth and the more deviant perversions, depravities, deep-rooted sickness, corruption and incompetence we uncovered within and up to the highest level, the more they lied and fabricated, deliberately misrepresented and used their power and authority to come against us in every way to crush us. It has been completely shocking and beyond the worse of nightmares. The astounding depths of evil abuses in the church and their impacts and destruction cannot not remain in the dark. Most victims understandably have permanently left the church but I do feel that the truth will soon be coming out; victims cannot be destroyed and silenced permanently under the false narrative and church coverup agenda, despite the attempts to annihilate them totally. All the crimes of these evil men and the enablers must be exposed publicly to the world in full in order to ever allow any change, truth or justice and to allow a chance to halt the haemorrhage of souls. Until that time we can know that God fully knows and sees all the crimes of these evil ones and He does not take it lightly as the institution currently does; "it is better they have millstones around their necks and be drowned". The perpetrators and enablers care not at all. However, the victims are the best, most courageous and suffering souls and God, who is close to them, will bring great good out of it in the end for them and others.
Marian, we’re so sorry for the level of betrayal that you’ve experienced not only from the person who abused you but from those who should have responded differently. Thank you for listening to this podcast; please pray for us and we’ll be praying for you.
I recognise everything you have said so far as it's also happened to me and many others. I am sure it triggers memories for many victims and fellow cPTSD suffers who have suffered such abuse and trauma at the hands of the church and those representatives of Christ who have betrayed us the most, but should instead have correctly represented Him and His way, protected, supported and offered us the greatest safety. I am praying for you also and please do continue to pray for us.
There is indeed a monstrous problem with the culture of abuse in the church and attack on victims who dare to speak truth, with coverup of abuse and lies against the victims commonplace. It is frightening how the systems and "orders" will stop at nothing to self-protect; it has been exposed over and over again as their only aim. I often wonder, the more I discover about the truth of the situation, if things are so bad and the corruption, infiltration, wokism, denials and hate towards victims so terrifyingly extensive and ingrained that change may never be possible, despite victim voices; and there is still so much to come to light that is still covered up.
But, anyway we continue to hope and pray. In the UK a group of victims have been fighting a battle for truth and justice for over 7 years that we never envisioned we would have; a totally unexpected, retraumatising and dangerous ordeal we should never have had to be put through and endure, with constant retaliations and further horrific abuses against us. We have never received anything of the kindness, compassion or assistance that should be afforded any victim; these things are only afforded the perpetrators and enablers who are also always raised up higher instead of being brought to account. The victims are treated as if they are criminals and the perpetrators as if they are victims. Everything is the opposite of what it should be and the command to love God and one's neighbour as oneself, these "orders" blatantly disregard. Such evil they embrace. The way they are praised, rewarded and promoted for acting in this way is appalling and perpetuates the problems.
The entire system automatically treats every case from the outset as if it a legal one and a threat, despite most victims only coming forward seeking and expecting healing and compassion for what has been inflicted on them. Victims therefore are never heard but dismissed/ignored, with insult added to injury. Coming against wounded and vulnerable victims from the start causes unbelievable further pain to these trusting, open and honest souls who follow the guidance to trust in the church and these leaders as they are told they must.
This is the state of the church today, and worldwide it appears; there is simply a nest of vipers and plethora of wolves in sheep's clothing within, devoid of any faith in or love of God. This defines particularly the Christian hating employees and "safeguarding" within, the woke values, mismanagement and the trojan horse that actually does the absolute opposite of what it should and pretends to represent.
There should be a minimum requirement of individuals handling reports to be trained, competent, intelligent (including emotionally) and understanding of Christian values, basic compassion and empathy. But instead it is the worst, most callous and sick individuals with no faith and many issues who are employed, and even appear to enjoy taking out their power and own grave deficiencies, failures, personal grievances, inadequacies, insecurities, "chips" and jealousies, on those they perceive as weak, under their control and authority. They abuse their positions and power to do all they can to harm, devalue and discredit the good and discard truth and evidences in favour of their own falsifications, thus happily destroying victims' health, work, families, faith and every aspect of their lives. The damage and destruction they inflict cannot be ever underestimated, but minimising clerical and church abuse crimes is also the name of their game. Specific details of all referred to are in our own Substack accounts, to be public in due course. We can follow your lead. Thank you for speaking truth so that maybe others can come to understand.
I will add a brief outline here regarding the franciscan friars of the renewal who demonstrate the worst of the culture of abuse and coverup. They have raped, molested and abused many vulnerable young adults and children and yet arrogantly continue to portray a holier than thou, celebrity face whilst covering up everything and denying their responsibilities. They particularly take in the young, innocent and naive. Their safeguarding and head friars are the most guilty; I understand their wicked actions truly condemn them to the darkest depths of hell if they do not change. However, they continue to this day in wicked pride, self-promotion and protection, denying their responsibilities and the truth whilst persecuting and tormenting the victims. One particular vulnerable, historic victim when coming forward was further horrifically abused by friars, including by one promoting himself as a good spiritual director; he had put himself forward and pursued them, promising to heal everything that had happened and bring them closer to God. They felt foolish being convinced and wanting to trust again, thinking that one good SD experience could perhaps heal the past. So, due to this and out of misplaced loyalty also (loyalty to their position was of course never reciprocally shown by the friars) they never reported or told about this or the later abuses and totally inappropriate actions and words, causing even worse suffering and harm; this was also due to great fear and having already been put through a hellish nightmare at the hands of these evil perpetrators who deliberately abused their positions and power and use their minions to further harm victims also. Therefore, this "order" has not changed in all these years. The victim evidence clearly shows these friars use the known vulnerability, trust, kindness and honest, openness of victims to harm them further, calumniate, exile them, destroy their good standing and reputations and force them out, to leave their faith and the church. These stories all must and will be told.
Therefore, CFRs abuse their positions and priestly authority, including abusing even within and using the sacraments and commonly during spiritual direction, and are shown as the most problematic modern order of all. The pattern and details of the abuse is nearly identical in each case of the victims abused by "spiritual directors" in roles of trust and power. Yet the friars deem this as nothing. The lies, coverup and whitewash reports the friars and the systems produce are simply evil and widely known as such, yet the coverup and abuse continues. What Jesuits also do to victims, when they discover them as such, is beyond evil and will come to light. Victims deserve better than this evil treatment at the hands of such sick men hiding behind religion. I notice victims own individual personal hells (on top of that caused by the original, historic abuses) only commenced after confiding details when each came forward privately for healing. There is also no confidentiality or respect for victims, their experiences, wounds, trauma, gentleness and vulnerabilities. Such betrayals by the church and destruction wrought! Poor Jesus seeing what has become of the church He founded and what those within do in His name. This has to stop but just goes on and on; when will this stop?!
Thank you to the everyone for putting this amazing podcast together--sisters, people interviewed, and anyone involved in the production. You are doing such an excellent job of systematically going through what happened, how, and why it was possible. There is so much that resonates. There is a need for the change of culture in religious life and in the institutional church. There is a need for accountability. There is a need to resist clericalism. So much of this story echoes what happened in the community I was in... and it is heartbreaking.
I'm in this podcast, and I don't like it.
Not literally of course, but so much of your reaction and anger resonates with my own experiences. I wasn't the first to come forward in my case either, and I only came forward when I heard that a lawsuit that two other victims of his filed had stalled out.
When what he had done first became public via a local news article, pretty much everyone in my friend group from college changed their Facebook profile image to a picture of him in support of him. Meanwhile, I'd just realized what had happened to me because of what I'd read in that article...
Anyway. It's validating to hear your story and know I'm not the only one who's gone through this.
We’re so sorry for what experienced Emily. We’re honored that we’ve been able to give voice to some of the pain you’ve experienced and we hope that it prevents this from happening to someone else.
I learned a lot from this presentation. "Moral injury" described what many people in my parish experienced over the last few years. Some of it stems from personal experiences of abuse, and some from not being able to protect others from abuse.
A group at our church recently held a prayer vigil for those affected by domestic violence. It was attended by an elderly deacon. Afterward, I asked him whether clergy formation included any information about domestic violence that would make priests and deacons aware of the substantial percentage of every congregation that is affected.
He said that, to the best of his knowledge, the topic is not covered in the seminary, and that he knows it has not been addressed in diaconate formation or continuing education. If clergy knew more about the experiences of their congregants, they might think a little more before they got up in their bully pulpits. And maybe fewer people would quit or quiet-quit the church.
Sisters, thank you truly. Our exact experiences of abuse are different, but the symptoms and the reaction from fellow Catholics are exactly the same. It's so healing to hear someone else use the language I've needed to hear for over a decade.
The Church is the soil that fostered both my love and joy at discovering the true loving God, and yet remains fertile ground for the abuse that happened and continues to occur.
Everything you describe: All my safe places no longer feeling safe. Trying to force myself back into those places, motivated by a false sense that God could only be encountered there, and encouraged by others that this was the reality of the boundaries of God's love and mercy.
Trying to feel and express my grief and trauma, yet being met with silence, distrust, even belittling, aversion or chastisement.
ALL The trauma symptoms. Feeling weak. Feeling like a burden. All VERY appropriate responses to what occurred.
Thank you for helping one little soul feel less alone. <3
Thank you for this. I could only listen to the first 17 minutes and then had to stop. This line is one I can say also: "The safest place for me became unsafe." Not in relation to clergy abuse though (though a loved one of mine has experienced that).
There is something especially cruel when another type of abuse is then combined with spiritual abuse. Listening to those first 17 minutes and not being able to continue made me realize I'm being invited into more healing.
It takes courage to listen to this audio documentary, and it takes even greater courage and wisdom to listen to your own mind, body, and soul communicating to you what you need. We are edified by your choice to take care of yourself. We will be praying for this next moment in your healing journey. Just like grief, I, (Sr. Danielle Victoria) think healing is non-linear and runs in cycles, always flowing deeper as we gain more light and integration. Thank you so much for your generosity in sharing your experiences with us. It’s a tremendous gift to anyone who reads your words.
Myself and a number of victims were very seriously abused by franciscan friars of the renewal as well as by Jesuit priests. Our pain and wounds of abuse have been weaponised and used against us in the most disgusting, evil, sickening way by the one-sided, lying "orders", their brainwashed, blinded minions, the dioceses and authorities. The total coverup, further serious abuses, refusals for dialogue, mediation (or to allow or provide for any healing, justice, truth, reconciliation, counselling and support or resolution); and the absolute sheer hate, hostility, aggression, calumniation, exiling, banning, shunning, blaspheming and bad language, stonewalling, scapegoating, shaming, punishing persecution, attacks (including stalking, tracking and physical assault of victims due their reporting), wrongful and unlawful arresting, intimidation and threatening of innocent victims who dared report, as well as isolation and victim blaming against us is complete; but they cannot silence us forever. The more we spoke truth and the more deviant perversions, depravities, deep-rooted sickness, corruption and incompetence we uncovered within and up to the highest level, the more they lied and fabricated, deliberately misrepresented and used their power and authority to come against us in every way to crush us. It has been completely shocking and beyond the worse of nightmares. The astounding depths of evil abuses in the church and their impacts and destruction cannot not remain in the dark. Most victims understandably have permanently left the church but I do feel that the truth will soon be coming out; victims cannot be destroyed and silenced permanently under the false narrative and church coverup agenda, despite the attempts to annihilate them totally. All the crimes of these evil men and the enablers must be exposed publicly to the world in full in order to ever allow any change, truth or justice and to allow a chance to halt the haemorrhage of souls. Until that time we can know that God fully knows and sees all the crimes of these evil ones and He does not take it lightly as the institution currently does; "it is better they have millstones around their necks and be drowned". The perpetrators and enablers care not at all. However, the victims are the best, most courageous and suffering souls and God, who is close to them, will bring great good out of it in the end for them and others.
Marian, we’re so sorry for the level of betrayal that you’ve experienced not only from the person who abused you but from those who should have responded differently. Thank you for listening to this podcast; please pray for us and we’ll be praying for you.
I recognise everything you have said so far as it's also happened to me and many others. I am sure it triggers memories for many victims and fellow cPTSD suffers who have suffered such abuse and trauma at the hands of the church and those representatives of Christ who have betrayed us the most, but should instead have correctly represented Him and His way, protected, supported and offered us the greatest safety. I am praying for you also and please do continue to pray for us.
There is indeed a monstrous problem with the culture of abuse in the church and attack on victims who dare to speak truth, with coverup of abuse and lies against the victims commonplace. It is frightening how the systems and "orders" will stop at nothing to self-protect; it has been exposed over and over again as their only aim. I often wonder, the more I discover about the truth of the situation, if things are so bad and the corruption, infiltration, wokism, denials and hate towards victims so terrifyingly extensive and ingrained that change may never be possible, despite victim voices; and there is still so much to come to light that is still covered up.
But, anyway we continue to hope and pray. In the UK a group of victims have been fighting a battle for truth and justice for over 7 years that we never envisioned we would have; a totally unexpected, retraumatising and dangerous ordeal we should never have had to be put through and endure, with constant retaliations and further horrific abuses against us. We have never received anything of the kindness, compassion or assistance that should be afforded any victim; these things are only afforded the perpetrators and enablers who are also always raised up higher instead of being brought to account. The victims are treated as if they are criminals and the perpetrators as if they are victims. Everything is the opposite of what it should be and the command to love God and one's neighbour as oneself, these "orders" blatantly disregard. Such evil they embrace. The way they are praised, rewarded and promoted for acting in this way is appalling and perpetuates the problems.
The entire system automatically treats every case from the outset as if it a legal one and a threat, despite most victims only coming forward seeking and expecting healing and compassion for what has been inflicted on them. Victims therefore are never heard but dismissed/ignored, with insult added to injury. Coming against wounded and vulnerable victims from the start causes unbelievable further pain to these trusting, open and honest souls who follow the guidance to trust in the church and these leaders as they are told they must.
This is the state of the church today, and worldwide it appears; there is simply a nest of vipers and plethora of wolves in sheep's clothing within, devoid of any faith in or love of God. This defines particularly the Christian hating employees and "safeguarding" within, the woke values, mismanagement and the trojan horse that actually does the absolute opposite of what it should and pretends to represent.
There should be a minimum requirement of individuals handling reports to be trained, competent, intelligent (including emotionally) and understanding of Christian values, basic compassion and empathy. But instead it is the worst, most callous and sick individuals with no faith and many issues who are employed, and even appear to enjoy taking out their power and own grave deficiencies, failures, personal grievances, inadequacies, insecurities, "chips" and jealousies, on those they perceive as weak, under their control and authority. They abuse their positions and power to do all they can to harm, devalue and discredit the good and discard truth and evidences in favour of their own falsifications, thus happily destroying victims' health, work, families, faith and every aspect of their lives. The damage and destruction they inflict cannot be ever underestimated, but minimising clerical and church abuse crimes is also the name of their game. Specific details of all referred to are in our own Substack accounts, to be public in due course. We can follow your lead. Thank you for speaking truth so that maybe others can come to understand.
I will add a brief outline here regarding the franciscan friars of the renewal who demonstrate the worst of the culture of abuse and coverup. They have raped, molested and abused many vulnerable young adults and children and yet arrogantly continue to portray a holier than thou, celebrity face whilst covering up everything and denying their responsibilities. They particularly take in the young, innocent and naive. Their safeguarding and head friars are the most guilty; I understand their wicked actions truly condemn them to the darkest depths of hell if they do not change. However, they continue to this day in wicked pride, self-promotion and protection, denying their responsibilities and the truth whilst persecuting and tormenting the victims. One particular vulnerable, historic victim when coming forward was further horrifically abused by friars, including by one promoting himself as a good spiritual director; he had put himself forward and pursued them, promising to heal everything that had happened and bring them closer to God. They felt foolish being convinced and wanting to trust again, thinking that one good SD experience could perhaps heal the past. So, due to this and out of misplaced loyalty also (loyalty to their position was of course never reciprocally shown by the friars) they never reported or told about this or the later abuses and totally inappropriate actions and words, causing even worse suffering and harm; this was also due to great fear and having already been put through a hellish nightmare at the hands of these evil perpetrators who deliberately abused their positions and power and use their minions to further harm victims also. Therefore, this "order" has not changed in all these years. The victim evidence clearly shows these friars use the known vulnerability, trust, kindness and honest, openness of victims to harm them further, calumniate, exile them, destroy their good standing and reputations and force them out, to leave their faith and the church. These stories all must and will be told.
Therefore, CFRs abuse their positions and priestly authority, including abusing even within and using the sacraments and commonly during spiritual direction, and are shown as the most problematic modern order of all. The pattern and details of the abuse is nearly identical in each case of the victims abused by "spiritual directors" in roles of trust and power. Yet the friars deem this as nothing. The lies, coverup and whitewash reports the friars and the systems produce are simply evil and widely known as such, yet the coverup and abuse continues. What Jesuits also do to victims, when they discover them as such, is beyond evil and will come to light. Victims deserve better than this evil treatment at the hands of such sick men hiding behind religion. I notice victims own individual personal hells (on top of that caused by the original, historic abuses) only commenced after confiding details when each came forward privately for healing. There is also no confidentiality or respect for victims, their experiences, wounds, trauma, gentleness and vulnerabilities. Such betrayals by the church and destruction wrought! Poor Jesus seeing what has become of the church He founded and what those within do in His name. This has to stop but just goes on and on; when will this stop?!
Thank you to the everyone for putting this amazing podcast together--sisters, people interviewed, and anyone involved in the production. You are doing such an excellent job of systematically going through what happened, how, and why it was possible. There is so much that resonates. There is a need for the change of culture in religious life and in the institutional church. There is a need for accountability. There is a need to resist clericalism. So much of this story echoes what happened in the community I was in... and it is heartbreaking.
Thank you Emily. We’re so sorry for what you’ve experienced. We are grateful we’ve given some voice to your experience as well, that was our hope.
Thank you~
I am unable to afford a subscription but I'd like to donate to your healing ministry. Please let us know how to do this. Blessings~
Kathy, thank you for wanting to support our ministry. You can find more here: https://www.sistersofthelittleway.com/p/support-our-mission
I am interested in joining please pm